Tuesday, January 30, 2007


Now that's a very good word to describe me... Something that I never really grew out of.

But that's as far as the word will go in this post. So much for a title...

The name of this blog is One Way... from the Christian song. And yet... while I am on the one way in my life, I keep looking left and right, stopping on the path to laze around, observing people pass by... Not realising that they have overtaken me, yet still pretending to be tired just so that I can stop and "smell the flowers", forgetting the many goals that lie at different stretches of the road. This is one of my biggest mistakes, illustrated in the physical by the annoying inability to do anything that I experience while all my peers head off to uni. I made my choice and I stand by it, but I find it very hard to stop myself regretting... a decision made 2 years ago and another 1.5 years ago, both of which changed my life... possibly for ever.

Even my parents are berating me for making the decisions I made. I do not blame them, although I wish they could be more understanding. I know my life has been changed. And perhaps I even challenged God in the process. Did I tread on "the road not taken"? It did make a lot of, if not all the difference, albeit only over 2 years. Hmm... misguided instinct? Or simply being too naive to know the difference? So much for a title, eh?


I am an expert...... at wasting my time and other people's time, my money and other people's money; I am brilliant...... at overestimating myself and situations, resulting in disappointment and regret; at pretending to see the big picture but in reality not noticing the obvious passing me by; at pretending that I made the right decision but actually not believing in it myself; at judging others when I refuse to see my own flaws.

Guilty on so many counts..... and yet this isn't all of it.

The past 2 months have been a period of lethargy and self-indulgence, and yet, surprisingly, self-reflection. I think God has finally hit home in me... finally. I have not learned my lessons well over the past 18 years, and am still not learning well. I see and I understand, and yet I do not learn. My skull must be a whole lot thicker and denser than I thought.

Will I learn? Maybe during university? I made too many blunders already... for which I am taking some semblance of responsibility yet blaming others for decisions that I made. I did reap what I sowed... abundantly. And yet I regret. I claim that I stand by my principles... But are they too rigid, and am I too stubborn? I know that there are too many things that I do not know. God knows that over the past 2 years I have learned more than the preceding 16 years. Yet my emotions are still weak and at times beyond my control. My emotions still tend rule my head.

I admit I am weak... I have fallen away from God too many times... not to the extent of denouncing religion, but in small ways, sinning, disobeying... repeatedly. I rest my case...... against myself.