Post?

I am an expert...... at wasting my time and other people's time, my money and other people's money; I am brilliant...... at overestimating myself and situations, resulting in disappointment and regret; at pretending to see the big picture but in reality not noticing the obvious passing me by; at pretending that I made the right decision but actually not believing in it myself; at judging others when I refuse to see my own flaws.

Guilty on so many counts..... and yet this isn't all of it.

The past 2 months have been a period of lethargy and self-indulgence, and yet, surprisingly, self-reflection. I think God has finally hit home in me... finally. I have not learned my lessons well over the past 18 years, and am still not learning well. I see and I understand, and yet I do not learn. My skull must be a whole lot thicker and denser than I thought.

Will I learn? Maybe during university? I made too many blunders already... for which I am taking some semblance of responsibility yet blaming others for decisions that I made. I did reap what I sowed... abundantly. And yet I regret. I claim that I stand by my principles... But are they too rigid, and am I too stubborn? I know that there are too many things that I do not know. God knows that over the past 2 years I have learned more than the preceding 16 years. Yet my emotions are still weak and at times beyond my control. My emotions still tend rule my head.

I admit I am weak... I have fallen away from God too many times... not to the extent of denouncing religion, but in small ways, sinning, disobeying... repeatedly. I rest my case...... against myself.