One Way, One Life

Random...

2007-12-02T04:21:00.000-08:00

Setting: Pharmacology lab session

Student: ... ... Then, what's above Professor?
Professor: Nothing...... God?!

Jennifer (listening 3 feet away): ... ...

Imagine being among great minds.
I love getting great teachers. They inspire you, stimulate your interest, enhance your understanding... That's what makes a great teacher.

How does it all work out?

2007-11-30T14:25:00.000-08:00

Chung Hua Miri

I struggled to wake up early in the morning but I smile when I see Sung Sung as I walk into the classroom.

I was displeased at not being made a prefect but I laughed when we formed the non-blazer gang, when we were the first to reach the canteen every lunchtime, when we did caricatures of our teacher's faces on the whiteboard, when we rejoiced in the extra time that we had when prefects were on duty.

I was embarrassed when I tripped and nearly fell over in the school compound but was pleasantly surprised to hear a good friend tell off some onlookers who had smirked at my carelessness.

I was never athletic, but I could not stop laughing when we played basketball in lower secondary and Andy refused to let go of the ball.

I was not the most outstanding student in the class, but I was proud when my classmates walked on to the stage to receive prizes for all sorts of competitions.

I gripe over having to be bored to death by History, but I marvel at the appearance of Chai Ing’s history book before every exam.

I am bored while I wait for the bus, but I am comforted when I get to chat on the bus with Lu Yen, Yew Jye, Nai Hui or Tzyh Cheng.

I was unsure about taking extra subjects, but always chuckled when my total marks were the only ones to shoot over 1000 and everyone seemed to notice(but of course my average wasn’t brilliant).

I was sad to not be able to see my friends so often after I left for Singapore, but I was touched when everyone looked so happy to see me on my return.

Hwa Chong Institution (+Boarding School)

I was apprehensive about sharing a room with others in HCIBS, but after some time, I knew that I had the best set of roommates in the world: Ming Hwei, Yit An and Christina.

I was clueless when I was informed that I had been posted to Hwa Chong, but I soon found out that it was a brilliant school.

I was disappointed at having only 2 other ASEAN direct scholars with me in HC, but I grew to treasure the bond that I had with Christina and, later when she left, Lau.

I was astounded by how varied people’s sleeping habits could be… but we as roommates exchanged secrets late at night as we all lay in our beds talking through the darkness, not able to see each other, but comforted that we were all there.

I griped about getting the bed furthest away from the fan, but was envied when I developed a higher tolerance for heat compared to the others.

I had never had my birthday celebrated for me by friends before, but I was touched whenever we had a birthday celebration and gathered together by the benches in the boarding school.

I always managed to avoid getting dunked in the pond, and I laughed as my friends and seniors were shoved into the water, Yong Hoong memorably losing his spectacles after being dunked, resulting in everyone whipping out their handphones to illuminate the water as he searched for them.

I was afraid that I would not have many friends, but I was comforted by the friendliness of other direct scholars as well as the ASEAN seniors who welcomed us and made us feel like part of the family (particularly the Hwa Chong Fah-Mer-Lee!).

I was daunted by the thickness of the Biology notes in Hwa Chong, but was surprised to find that I had put down an answer in my A-level paper that people from other colleges had no inkling of.

I wondered whether my seniors would ever be able to spare some time for me… and I rejoiced inwardly when we all sneaked into the Chinese High hall to play badminton together and jogged on the high school track at the crack of dawn, and chatted in the gym as Jia Voon and Alvin did weights.

I was torn apart when I was offered the JPA scholarship midway through my first year in college… But I remembered Lau Shi Ern, Daniel, Alicia, Jia Voon, Wan Xin, Mei Sheng, Ming Hwei, Yit An, Yee Yong, Jocelyn, Wei Wen, Adrian Lim, Adrian Ee, Yong Hoong, Kok Hou, Khai Ming, Tze Leong, Wei Seng, Dominic, Yen Nee, Kah Hwee, Vee Vee, Kai Rou, Jun Hui and all the other ASEAN scholars who had made such a large impact on my life within the space of a few months…… And I made the decision, unbelievable as it was, that I did not want to leave.

Nottingham University

I wondered how many people I would be able to befriend in my first week, and then I was put in Cripps Hall, where I met the most amazing people: David, Raghav, Yang Chi, Irene and the gang.

I wondered whether I would get along with my flatmates, and I realized that once again, I had a great set of people to share my first year with: Aisyah, Anis, Subha and Wendy.

I wondered how many Malaysian first-year medics there would be, and whether there would be only a handful of us huddling together in the lectures, and what do you know? 18 of us! We rock!

I am starting to get sick of having nothing but lectures, but I look forward to meeting my fellow Malaysian medics every morning.

I hate it when a lecturer is boring or inaudible, but I grin when I hear someone else in the vicinity saying the same thing just loud enough for me to hear.

I dislike the prospect of a boring lecture, but I am happy to walk into LT1 together with Duo Ying, Fiqa, Puteri, Jennie and Naj every morning, and to hear the usual banter about hogging side seats… And to ask "How was your weekend?" and to listen to all the stories and occurrences that you did or did not witness...

I feel drained after a long string of lectures but once I step outside, there are familiar faces to see, and who in small ways are comforting: noticing Sin Wee reading at the seats outside LT1 and stopping to say hi; playing the piano and watching Atiq as he runs hastily down the spiral stairs, late for the lecture yet again; poking Hwe Ling mischievously in the shoulder as I pass; waving at Joon Wee as he is seen passing through the medical school; saying hi to the other seniors who walk by……

Yes, case studies can drive a person up the wall… But Group Ii is an absolutely brilliant group of people: Ben, Dan, Robin, Tom, Natalia, Charlie, Lauren, Nichola, Julia, Jennie…. I wouldn’t exchange any of you for anyone else. Your enthusiasm for the group, eg. in our MBM seminars, is so contagious that I couldn’t withstand it if I wanted to!

At the end of the week, a feeling of fatigue and meaninglessness sometimes creeps in, but badminton creates the chance to vent all the pent-up emotions and stress. Meeting more familiar people: Choy Onn, Yi Lin, Kexin, Kennis, and everyone else…

Conclusion? This is my life, through my eyes, and I thank God for it... for all the people whom I have been privileged to meet on this journey, for their presence, their support.

Happy Birthday Dad...

2007-10-25T12:31:00.000-07:00

The 22nd of October is one of the most important dates on my calendar, but this year I didn't put it on the calendar (I don't have one) and therefore promptly proceeded to forget its significance. As it is, on the very day fifty-one years ago, a great man came into the world, without whom I would never have walked the face of the earth. I am referring, of course, to my father.

A truly important person in my life, he never failed to be there when I needed him. In fact, I could never finish writing (or in this case typing) about all that he taught me. He literally made me who I am and was a key factor in getting me where I am today.

I remember being proud of him for as long as I could remember... Although there was a stage at which I did not like being seen with him, as a whole, I was proud to have such a father. Although there were things he did which I did not agree with and caused me pain, I would never exchange my father for any other. Never would I wish for a different set of parents.

When I was little, he apparently spent a great deal of time with me. Taking me to see aeroplanes taking off from the airport, singing to me... And he read to me... Which was how my English became what it is now. He told me how I would be attentive and responsive to what he was teaching me, and I could not believe that I was so compliant. Yes, he punished me severely once and only once in my childhood, and I have never received any punishment at home ever since.

As I grew, I loved to please him with what I did. I valued his praise and his opinion. And I loved to talk to him... To hear him speak and to learn from his words. His interests became mine, many of which, especially music, remain with me to this day. And I would cry if I felt he was displeased with what I had done, or if he was absent from home too long and I missed him.

As the eldest, there were many things which I was expected to understand, even though I did not. I was told many things that I did not want to hear, yet I did not contradict him. I could not.

However, there are so many wonderful memories. He is my greatest advisor and my best friend. He made me have faith in my own beliefs and always encouraged me to do what we both believed was best for me. He always knew best, in short, and I agreed with him. He introduced me to the world of music and badminton. He taught me to cook. He encouraged me to sharpen my mind and to love learning. He made sure I ate 3 full meals and slept 8 hours a day. He helped me draw my first mind map and write my first essay. My entire training in badminton was based solely on his one sentence: "Never let your eyes leave the shuttlecock."

He was with me every time I made an important decision. I would never do anything until I was sure that I had his permission/approval. The ASEAN scholarship, JPA scholarship, coming to England, medicine... Half of the decision was mine; the other half, his.

In terms of character and principles, he seemed so perfect. I can hardly find a flaw in his beliefs, which is probably why he is still my greatest role model. Everyone looked up to him, and he was feared at work. Lazy members of staff feared him for they knew he was strict. Yet he was always fair, just and responsible.... too responsible.

I would be counting myself fortunate to become half the character he is, yet I can hear him telling me that I must never take the easy way out, never lose out on a chance to improve myself beyond my own imagination. To only settle for becoming half as good as him would be an insult. He would want his children to realise their full potential, to be a balanced, morally upright individual, to be a lifelong learner just as he had been.

I know, as I write this with tears flowing down my face, I am living his dream, reliving his life, studying in the same country that educated him, savoring the joy of learning and the taste of knowledge. We both know that life is not easy, and we both know that we can make ourselves better than we were before, as long as we want to. We both know the importance of our family, we would both make sacrifices for them. We both know the work that God is doing in us and for us every day of our lives. We can also see all the beautiful things in the world around us and cherish them, things that are small but magnificent, the handiwork of our great Creator, who created all those things and us as well.

A very happy birthday, old man.... I thank you, and God, that I came into this world through you. I am proud to have your blood running through my veins and arteries, and I am proud to call you my father and to say that I love you.

Pain?

2007-10-19T14:25:00.000-07:00

Yeah, anyway, I just did a very rash thing two weeks in a row. I hurt my foot before the first session of CSSA badminton and yet I still played. That resulted in a foot that hurt the whole entire week. Tonight, I went to Jubilee Sports Centre resolved to only socialise but not play. Alas, my plans so backfired. It is just seriously too tempting to sit there and watch people playing my favourite sport. I just couldn't resist and got up to play a few rallies. I paid for it by feeling a renewed pain in my left foot as I walked off. Ouch, I will have to apply more medication to it...

I have no regrets save for one these few weeks. And that one is not really paying attention to my studies. Other than that, when talking about joining badminton, Heartstart, playing the piano at QMC till everyone else is bored, I have no regrets. Only thing is, I'd have to apologise to anyone who has gotten bored of my music over at QMC. I only do it for my own entertainment and for relaxation. Getting to know more people, getting to know people better than before, sharing interests with similar-minded people... It feels relaxing. And to think some of it happened to me just because I wore badminton shoes and carried a badminton racket to the NMS meeting... It's amazing what can happen based on a leap of faith. It really is.

First GP Visit

2007-10-17T12:45:00.000-07:00

Yes, only 3 weeks into the medical course and today I had my first visit to a GP surgery. Needless to say, I was excited. I really wanted to see what it was like to see patients here in the United Kingdom. The sad fact though, was that the practice I was attached to was in Derby, so not only did I have to wake up early to catch my transport from QMC, but I would have less contact time with patients compared to colleagues based in Nottingham.

Nevertheless, I sprang awake at 5.30 this morning eager not to miss my transport to Derby, which would leave QMC at 7.30. The anticipation was not damped by the fact that it happened to be a morning with temperature circa 8 degrees celsius, although I did make a mental note to start carrying my gloves around. I found a number of my colleagues, all of which were posted to the less accessible areas of Nottingham, waiting at the entrance to the medical school. Soon we were on our way, four of us sitting in a van to Derby. If I am not mistaken, ours is the furthest among all destinations.

At 8.35, after dropping off the other three at their respective surgeries (we all had different ones), I finally set eyes on Mickleover surgery, which on first impression seemed to be a neighbourhood surgery. It was a practice of 3 doctors. The staff were friendly enough, welcoming me into the clinic to wait for the doctor to arrive.

At about a quarter past 9, Dr Gayed arrived and invited me into his office. I sat in the corner of the office. He gave me a brief introduction to each patient's condition before the patient entered the office. Fortunately, none of the patients I saw today were against the idea of having a medical student in the same room.

I thoroughly enjoyed my experience today and was reluctant to have to leave at ten past 11. I could readily have sat there for 2 more hours absorbing all the information that each patient was introducing to me. However, I had done fairly well today, managing to see 11 patients over the 2 hours i was there. And I had already accumulated a list of items to be researched over the subsequent days.

I had also obtained insight into the primary health care system. And my immediate conclusion was that I would love to be a general practitioner here. Perhaps it was due to the cultural difference, but a visit to the GP here seemed to be far more active than a typical one in Malaysia. And I started to wonder whether beliefs and principles of a doctor who was trained here could hold in a different country, as I would experience after graduation.

My colleagues and I all agreed that we would have loved to attend GP visits more often... And I'm sure we all eagerly anticipate our next visit, which is the last one before Christmas, 2 weeks from now. I know I do.

Settling down

2007-10-06T14:41:00.000-07:00

This is what we call the hallway in our flat. The open door is mine, Room E. The thing attached to the wall is the heater, and after passing it you get to one toilet. Picture on the right is what I now consider the greatest discovery of man, the wonderful bed.

Right, now that's my room in its neater moments. As with most students, the table tends to get extremely messy, more so since it's not a desk with drawers and the like. And there are actually books on my bookshelf already.... Errr.... Some of them I took from the Greenfield Medical Library only because I did not want to wait for others to use them first. I can borrow up to 12 books... And right now, I've barely used half of my quota.

Today I visited the annual Nottingham Goose Fair with fellow Malaysians from the Nottingham Malaysian Society.

It was really huge fun fair with countless stalls of games, rides, food and merchandise. I did not go on any of the rides this time, because I was too cowardly and refused to risk vomiting the food I has just taken. However, I tried some of the game stalls... with no luck.

Then as my flatmate was not feeling well, three of us decided to head home by cab first. Near the exit, I spotted a man with a signboard claiming that he could guess a person's age within a +/- 1 year allowance. If his guess was wrong, the person would get a small toy. I recklessly decided to give it a try. After handing him 2 pounds, he looked at my appearance and wrote down a number on his pinboard. It was the number 24. I could not suppress a laugh, and told him my real age. He seemed rather unhappy about his lack of accuracy, and handed me...

This little guy here. My reward for looking older than I really am.

First steps

2007-09-27T08:11:00.000-07:00

I only believed I was finally a medical student in Nottingham when I stepped into Queen's Medical Centre for the first time on Monday morning. Then my companions and I tried to find our way from the South Entrance of the hospital to the medical school. We had to thread through numerous corridors and pass by many doors, some of which, from the nameplates on them, housed our future lecturers.

Since then, the pace of life is speeding up. We were bombarded with more and more things to do and in particular read, as reading lists and timetables came, followed by lecture notes. I have several modules to complete over the academic year.

Behavioural Sciences
Clinical Laboratory Skills I
Cardiovascular System, Respiratory System and Haematology
Communication Skills
Structure function and pharmacology of Excitable Tissues
Human Development and Tissue Differentiation
Molecular Basis of Medicine
Early Clinical and Professional Development I
Public Health and Evidence Based Medicine
Human Development Structure and Function I

I've also met my personal tutor, Dr Victoria Tischler. She's a psychologist and works in the Department of Psychiatry. She's a very nice person, and I'm waiting to see what her Comm Skills lectures are like.

Today also granted me a small revelation.... that of how well Hwa Chong's Bio department had prepared me. I had the opportunity of explaining what the cytoskeleton was, as apparently my fellow medic did not understand it even after the lecturer was done. My reward.... Being called a geek, aka nerd. Damn.

Flat 37 Madison Court

2007-09-23T00:54:00.000-07:00

Well, that's my new room in Flat 37, Madison Court, Raleigh Park. Had to wait in a long queue to collect my keys because many international students live on this site and many of them moved in today.

I'm still unpacking, so the room is a superb mess. I'll only think about another photograph once I'm fully unpacked and my room does not look like it belongs to a perfect slob.

Right now I've got 4 flatmates: 1 from China, 2 Malaysians and 1 Bruneian. And the total of 3 Malaysians represent the 3 main races in Malaysia. Cool, isn't it? But I must admit I'm missing the friends I made in Cripps Hall the first week. It felt so nice hanging out with them that I wish I could continue to do so. Sadly, we all moved into separate accommodations.

Pictures from overseas

2007-09-20T10:06:00.000-07:00

These pictures are taken in Dubai airport. The cars are a Porsche 911 Carrera GT whereas I cannot remember the exact model name of the Merc. The bike is a Harley Davidson. And by the way, they're the prizes of a lucky draw.

What the transit wing of the airport looks like:

Views from inside the B777-300 cabin:

After Glasgow I sat through a whole lot of countryside on the motorway down through England, but I couldn't get pictures of cows and sheep because by the time my camera reacted, the sheep had passed us. And being on the motorway, I couldn't well ask my cousin to slow down.

As luck would have it, I saw Sheffield before seeing Nottingham.

However, I soon reached the university that I was eternally thankful to for accepting me.

This is the Queen's Medical Centre, largest hospital in England, maybe even Europe. It has 28 miles of corridors and 1100 toilets. The inside joke is that the 1100 toilets are there for those who have problems finding their way through the 28 miles of corridor. No surprise. This photo shows only about 2 blocks out of 4 that make up the medical centre, and then, not even those two blocks in their entirety.

This pic isn't mine, i picked it off the net to emphasise the size of QMC.

Most of those who did not take the university coach from Heathrow to Notts (like me) were put into Cripps Hall first as their temporary accomodation, resulting in me being separated from most of the other Malaysian first year medics. This is what Cripps Hall looks like.

Fields of Gold.... full of duck and goose crap too...

Fact File #1: The university campus measures 330 acres.

Fact File #2: The place is full of birds. Colour Key: White-swan, black head-goose, green head-male duck, brown-female duck.

Fact File #3: They know how to cross the road! Well, the geese at least.

Now I'm not sure how well you can see it, but I suggest opening it with Windows Picture and Fax Viewer and click on the button for actual size. In fact, I think just clicking on the picture will show you a huge actual one. There's actually one goose leading half the flock across the road, and cars stop for them! They stop for me, of course, but... them?

Squirrel I spotted outside Hugh Stewart, next to Cripps. It's cute, and some of us want to keep them as pets.

Today I went to Nottingham City Centre for a short while. In England you hardly have to worry about time if you're on the streets. The church bell towers remind you of the hour. I love hearing the bells toll. It almost seems to remind me that I'm in England for real. The coffee and hot chocolate are from Costa Coffee and cost about 2 pounds for a medium, which is the glass's size.

Right, that's as far as I will go. I'm tired, and I skipped visiting a famous student club venue tonight in favour of a movie and beauty sleep, so good night!

New Beginnings

2007-09-19T14:42:00.000-07:00

I hardly have any time to sit down and blog, so I'm posting a sort of diary that I kept when I did not have internet, ie. the past one or two days.

19th September

It feels great being here, despite the cold which landed me with, it seems, a small bout of flu. Woke up before my alarm rang this morning in Cripps Hall. Recalling yesterday, I arrived with my relatives in the afternoon and got the key to my room. Checking in, I found the room adequate, old but reasonably comfortable. HCIBS was new, Raleigh Park is fairly new, but this is like the standard old brick building with windows that are opened by pushing up, not out. Trekking a bit around the grounds later saw loads of grass, interspersed with what appears to be goose poo. It's no rarity to see squirrels scurrying across the road or the grass. Mixed around a bit before and during dinner with a bunch of Americans and Canadians, but found more agreeable companions later on in the Portland ballroom at the karaoke. Sitting with me were a Kenyan (Bora), a Thai (Raghav), 2-4 Chinese (Iris, Yang Chi, Pan Jiang etc.) and another girl whose country of origin I could not remember (Thelma). We didn't sing, but certainly had good fun. Many students from China and India here, really. Supposedly the same for the Malaysian campus, but it is less easy to run into them. Those I ask are usually from China, whether the Ningbo campus or just here for the whole degree. All the others I know from Malaysia are in Derby Hall, tough luck, but I get to meet more people! It feels really cool.

Submitted the form to open my bank account yesterday, thankfully, but discovered an error in my student ID, so will have to trek back to get it amended, hopefully won't take long. Will try to explore Portland a bit further today maybe. I plan to find the travel centre to ask about bus routes.

2nd entry

This morning I met David from Hong Kong and Irene from Brunei. Turns out, they stuck with me for a fair bit of the day, Irene especially, and Yang Chi too. We try to crack jokes all the time. David is an interesting person, seemingly full of experiences to share. Irene is a bit quiet but very friendly, and so is Yang Chi. We four watched Casino Royale together tonight. Free movie screening, so might as well. Finally got some bank business done with and explored some bits of Portland. Had shepherd's pie and some dessert made from apples at dinner today. People are complaining about the food, but I see nothing to grumble about.

Other new acquaintances include May from the Philippines, Jenna from Malaysia and Ling from China. Only Jenna is a medic I think.

I need my sleep, it's 11 pm. Gotta run. Tomorrow has more stuff to do!

Walking in Putrajaya

2007-09-05T06:03:00.000-07:00

I took one of my days in KL to visit the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and submit my application for a Certificate of Good Conduct. Waste of my time, really. After doing so, I made a mad spur-of-the-moment decision to take a walk.

A walk? In Putrajaya, at noon in bright sunlight? No map, no taxis? I kid you not. I did it.

This is the building next to the MOFA... I dunno what it is exactly.

For what I think is the very first time, I walk without an idea of how to get where I'm going. I was like, where's that mosque?

I was amused when I saw this sign... The arrow on the sign, which is not shown here, points toward my left.

After walking past this, I called my mum and asked her, "Guess where I am?"

Again, where am i going?

I swear I was the only person, aside from the gardeners and roadsweepers, who was on foot. All around there were cars, especially those with Putrajaya number plates.

I don't know what on earth all those buildings are!

This fountain was, I think, on the backside of the PM's office.

At long last, after almost an hour of walking, I finally found the mosque.

When I stepped closer to the PM's office building, I was surprised to find the area packed with cars, and people. Then I realised yet again that it was but a few days before Merdeka celebrations.

I had wanted to step onto the space they call Dataran Putra, which sits right in front of Perdana Putra (PM's office) and Masjid Putra, but a National Day rehearsal was taking place, and as you can see, my way was blocked by row upon row of cars, buses, taxis... Beats me why they were there...

And believe you me, it can be very hard to catch the correct bus in Putrajaya. I tried, and ended up taking a cab driven by, apparently, a cousin of Tan Sri Dr Ismail Merican.

Down to the last days...

2007-08-28T07:02:00.001-07:00

After months of staying at home, lazing, cooking, playing and slacking, not to mention enjoying the presence of family members, preparations are now in order.

My oyster sauce chicken drumsticks.

My daydreaming sister... but don't be fooled, she plays killer table tennis.

Preparations mean... travelling. Allow me to introduce Miri Airport.

One of the more affordable (and hence, frequently fully booked) places to stay in central accessible KL is Cititel Mid Valley.

The view outside Cititel (seen from the windows and lift lobby)

Bus from KL Sentral to LCCT

Photos taken on the way (BTW, each of the past 3 times I headed to LCCT, I saw SIA planes)

My favourite plane... actually the only choice I have with AirAsia. A320.

My camera at work

Welcome to Sri Cempaka Service Suites, Cheras. (Yes, Cititel MidValley was fully booked.)

While waiting for my turn at the visa centre, I took a walk to KLCC, in the "spirit of Merdeka". One thing about the visa centre. It's the only place I've seen with counter staff that are males. Thank God I dealt with the two friendlier ones.

Anyway, KLCC...

I also celebrated successfully waiting for my turn at visa by indulging in a Chocolate Indulgence over at Secret Recipe.

All Things

2007-08-20T18:50:00.000-07:00

Time passes in moments ... moments which, rushing past, define the path of a life just as surely as they lead towards its end. How rarely do we stop to examine that path, to see the reasons why all things happen, to consider whether the path we take in life is our own making or simply one into which we drift with eyes closed.

But what if we could stop, pause to take stock of each precious moment before it passes? Might we then see the endless forks in the road that have shaped a life? And, seeing those choices, choose another path?

What if there was only one choice and all the other ones were wrong? And there were signs along the way to pay attention to... And all the choices would then lead to this very moment. One wrong turn, and......

Practising photography... miles above sea level.

2007-08-15T06:14:00.000-07:00

I was surprised to realise that I have never taken an evening plane flight before. This round on the way back from Kuching, my dad and I were in MAS business class because we were both in a hurry to get back to Miri. After sampling some of the in-flight catering, I saw the sunset and, obviously, decided to snap a few. The first and second are the best, I think.

This picture down here was, well, the worst failure. But I beg forgiveness on behalf of the cabin window.... :P

UNIMAS Tour

2007-08-14T22:44:00.000-07:00

When I was in Kuching, I went to visit Sung Sung and Fui Lin in UNIMAS. Their uni campus was not far from where I was staying with my dad. I must say that the campus and buildings were not bad, and the scenery too... On the days I visited, I was struck by wonder at the magnificent view of the lake and the lovely cloud formations, which I had never noticed in Miri before. However, appearances can be deceiving, as I found out when I visited their rooms. Well, maybe I am biased after living in HCIBS.

Check this out:

This could be a postcard (the one on the left). Just look at those clouds!

Another pretty nice view.

The Lake

Buildings:

Another cool sky view

Changi Airport...

2007-08-10T04:40:00.000-07:00

I hope I can visit this airport again...

Views

2007-08-08T00:52:00.000-07:00

East Coast Park: Bikes, blades, and blisters... and works of art standing in sand pits.

Takashimaya: Home of Cold Storage and my favourite sausages!

Views at VivoCity:

Boy am I thankful to have my internet back up.

Travel Diary... Singapore Day 1

2007-07-25T20:42:00.000-07:00

Ok... I didn't exactly plan my Singapore trip itinerary, but I ended up visiting quite a number of people on my first day on the island.

First was a long MRT trip to Clementi...

And for what joyful purpose? To tour the institution that rejected my application... *grimace* This is the Fac of Arts and S.Sciences, I think... I can't remember. Of course, seeing a senior is far more important.

After that, at about 2.30 pm, I turned my attention to the road on which I spent virtually 90% of the years 2005 and 2006... Bukit Timah Road.

Everyone knows this place...

Then finally, my most important destination. After collecting my certs, I started taking photos.

Walked this road every school day of 2 years.... sure brings back memories...

I saw myself running down this corridor once, in a bad dream... As if coming here for Physics tutorials and CT sessions weren't enough...

Labs... Used to sit outside them so often... From ground floor up: Chemistry, Physics, Biology. Dissected rats.... Made some chemical levitate because I forgot to tilt my test tube during heating (which unfortunately did not go unnoticed by my tutor :S)... Burned a resistor (it gave off smoke :( )... Cooking over Bunsen burners...

Non-aircon classroom. Some teachers refuse to step into these rooms... for fear of heat and dehydration... *smirk*

Library... And you wish you could turn down the air-con in there sometimes. Housed in Cheng Yi Block and linked to Block A by the metal walkway. Forgive the lousy shots.

Out of the library and into that Biology lecture... Trek down the metal steps that are unique to Block E....

The prospect of one and a half hours of lecture is not the most comforting.

Too bad! We're here.

I usually drink from this one, on level E-3. Problem is, it's ice-cold so it's ironic when you come out for a break during lecture with your fingers frozen, but you go back in after 3 mins with the inside of your mouth frozen instead. The one on E-2 is certainly not freezing but not cold enough most of the time.

I should mention that at this point, I decided that I should try and see if any of my ex-tutors were still around. Sadly, I only met one tutor. After a chat, I left and continued my trek around the college.

After that, it's lunchtime... My goal is to beat the queues...

Perils of P.E. and NAPFA

Block A (and the Central and Inner Plazas)

Other shots:

Travel Diary - Journey to Singapore

2007-07-24T00:07:00.000-07:00

I know JPA didn't invite me to the pre-departure briefing for students departing for the UK, but honestly, I have one of my own that can certainly rival theirs. All the advice from parents and relatives... It's no wonder I was glad to finally make my trip down to Singapore. It meant I would be alone, something I value highly as I have been frequently edgy and it will give me a break from all the worries.

Consolation that I'll soon be on an island (I was born and live on one already :P) ... the blurry thing on the right is a stain on the bus window.

The bus terminal of a city that makes Malaysian and Singaporean news almost everyday:

After heading down the Causeway, it somehow seems comforting to see this:

Except for the cars and concrete.

Travel Diary - KL

2007-07-23T02:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I am pleased to announce that from now on, readers of this blog (assuming there are any) can expect entries enhanced by pictures courtesy of a Sony Cybershot 650 that I recently acquired. I am still honing my phototaking skills so bear with me.

I have few pics of KL, mainly due to the fact that I dare not carry my camera with me. I have to admit that KL still scares me, albeit less than when I first came.

For those who may not have seen KL before... Allow me to introduce you to...

An extortion machine (i.e. toll booth)On a lighter note... One Utama...

A stall selling steamed fish heads in a small, practically invisible alley, surrounded by trees, houses, and cars of all the customers. (Cheras area)

Sports

2007-07-09T18:57:00.000-07:00

Badminton:
I love this game. I mean it. I want to play it when I go overseas. Even though my stamina isn't extremely good, I love playing badminton, especially on the court. I never had training for it, or ever represented the class. My style of play revolves around only one sentence: Focus on the shuttle. Since stamina isn't my forte and requires hard physical training, I focus more on finesse, flexibility and my self-trained reaction time.

Jogging:
The lesser of all evils in NAPFA. I enjoyed it more then all the other parts of the annoying physical assessment which all students in Singapore have to endure. Notably, I blacked out once after a run. Although I don't run often, even in Hwa Chong, the few times I remember being timed in PE, I improved each time. First 16+mins, then 15+, then finally in J2, 14+mins. For me, the 2.4 km run tests nothing but endurance. How I complete it is determined almost purely by how hard I push myself. The improved timing at the end is the only prize.

Table tennis:
The newest trend to hit my family. My little sister seems to have sheer talent in it, so all of us are at some point badgered to be her punching bags. I am a single-minded person... and badminton already being my fave sport, I find it hard to catch on to the speedy movement of that tiny ball. However, I'm improving bit by bit, and it seems to have rubbed off on my badminton a little too. I gotta admit, it's a nice game, at least until my siblings start thrashing me. Tit for tat... I thrash them in badminton too.

Wondering why such a boring post? Cause I'm bored... Lol.

Travelling...

2007-07-08T20:25:00.000-07:00

Here I go on yet another trip....

Wednesday: Fly to KL via AirAsia at 9.40pm

Thursday: Follow aunt and cousin to see what visa application is like.
*on the way, look out for bargains on Camel shoes, scarf, stockings, socks, gloves, jeans and BENQ digicam!*

Friday-Sunday: KL/Singapore... Haven't decided when to go down. If arrived in Singapore, hunt down Yit An and Ming Hwei. Must not forget to taste deer meat (cooked with ginger and onions, served with rice) at Toa Payoh Mini Wok! Yum!

Monday: Hopefully arrived in Singapore. Visit Hwa Chong. Collect results cert. Drop by NUS(invitation to see Raffles Hall :P). Meet juniors? We'll see. Pack up leftover stuff in Singapore.

Tuesday(tentative): Fly to Kuching (MAS) from Changi (woohoo! but it may be my last visit to Changi, so i hope i can get that digicam to record some pics). Time TBConfirmed. Learn how to use rice cooker to cook just about anything. Crash course by Dad.

Why can't I just stay home and play badminton? (*muscles ache* "Ugh..........." *recalls fun of actually playing on a proper court last night for the first time since Chinese High hall*)

To all future doctors...

2007-07-01T20:26:00.000-07:00

I came across a speech by actor Alan Alda addressed to a group of future doctors back in 1979. I thought it was a good read and decided to reproduce it for the benefit of those of you who are physicians in the making. However, due to its sheer length, I decided not to post the transcript here, but on my abandoned Friendster blog. It's a good thing I did, as you will see if you read it.

As a disclaimer, I want to clarify that I am not in any way attempting copyright infringement. My only purpose is to pass on a message that I believe should be heeded by all doctors and future doctors.

If I have piqued your interest, read this speech at http://jenniferleejonjau.blogs.friendster.com/jennifers_blog/. Perhaps it will inspire you as you continue down the path you have chosen.

Saying Goodbye...

2007-07-01T04:58:00.000-07:00

Well, now I am almost the only one left. Most of my friends in Miri have gone to register at their respective unis. I did not even get to say a proper farewell to some of them. But life is like that... So live with it.

A good friend, who did not get into the course she wanted, has resigned herself to embarking on the random course that she was offered. I really found it hard to think positively on her behalf. As a good friend, it is hard when you have the things she wants so much but, for certain reasons and twists of fate, does not have. It's hard to encourage others in this kind of situation. But I offered some way of consolation, that if she graduates from the course, she may have a job offer under her belt already, thanks to a recommendation from yours truly. For people with good characters like her, I am ready to pull a few strings. Society is in dire need of trustworthy characters, and a discerning employer will certainly take in reliable candidates.

As for myself... I already have a job... I can actually be categorised as a civil servant... How wonderful... *sarcasm drips* But, it's a job... And it will provide me the training that I want. That's for sure. I will ensure that I will emerge as a better person. Then I will be able to pursue higher goals should I wish to do so. But I will not neglect the needs of family and friends. If anyone needs help, I am willing to do what I can to render assistance. Of this, my friends, you have my word!

The Season of Surprises and Decisions - Complete Post

2007-06-23T09:19:00.000-07:00

I have lacked topics to blog on lately, caused undoubtedly by my excitement regarding my future in the UK. However, today I had an online conversation with someone and it triggered many thoughts which I feel can be shared.

I will not name this person out of respect. Those who recognise the person, I beg you to remain silent... I have absolutely no intentions other than revealing my thoughts on the subject.

She is a very good student, and very famous. Recently, she was offered a place in a faculty that rejected my application. It was a very handsome offer, with financial aid thrown in. I congratulated her on her offer, although I wondered what would happen if a certain other opportunity were to come her way. Sure enough, it did come. I heard of the decision she had made and even met her on Windows Live Messenger. I asked her if her decision was firm. She affirmed it. I then found myself hitting the Backspace key far more often than usual throughout the conversation i had with her.

I did not want to be a factor, however minute, in her decision. I wanted to stay absolutely neutral. But I found that remaining neutral stopped me from offering the advice I wanted to give as a friend. I contemplated it, and remained neutral still. Much as I might have agreed or disagreed with her decision, I determined not to let her know. However, I was still doubtful as to the balance between respecting a person's freedom of choice and advising the best course of action.

The power of someone's words and opinions are greater than we think. Possibly most people have had a decision influenced by others. I know. I have tasted the consequences of heeding and not heeding others' advice. And, possibly, I have arrived at what I wanted the most. I faltered along the way, but ultimately I was brought back. There were dilemmas and sacrifices on the way, but I ended up with one of my greatest desires placed back within my reach, even though I had thought it lost forever.

I believe in God. I believe in destiny, not fate, and supposedly not luck. But I do accept the concept of luck, just that I define it possibly a little different from the conventional.

"Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity." - taken from Adrian Lim's Messenger nickname

This is not exactly how I define luck, but the first time I saw this attached to his nick was right after I received news of the partial scholarship from JPA. And I have constantly thought of its relevance since then.

In my case, I did not really prepare for the UK. I just held on to the offer as tightly as I could. That wasn't preparation, it was instinct and possibly stubbornness. But the opportunity was certainly offered to me, and I got "lucky", so to speak.

Special Dedication to my friends from Form 5A (and 5B), and later on, all my friends who are heading to/in university:

I have recently been with my friends who did STPM, therefore they are now receiving their respective offers. This is the category of people which the earlier mentioned decisionmaker belongs to. Some of the offers they received make me feel confused as well as angry.

Confused because these people whom I have known for between three to seven years are good students. They are intelligent and diligent, and I know that their hardworking attitudes and moral upbringings are, I declare, SECOND TO NONE! I know many of them wanted (and indeed deserve) better things. But my friends did not receive what they deserved. I question. "Are they blind? Can't they see what kind of talents and great characters they are losing?"

Then comes the anger, because I consider that I have seen my fair share of talents that are not used to full potential. People who walked away from wonderful opportunities because of fear, complacency, pressure, reluctance to try. People who could have been great...... but are not, or will not be as good as they could be. Wasted and underdeveloped talents. Talents which could have been improved far beyond their current excellence, possibly beyond their wildest dreams...... but are not, thanks to certain factors. Some of them had indeed aspired to great things, but were not allowed to sustain hopes. I can at least understand a little if one's ambitions are hampered by a lack of finances, but not when their academic qualifications are not recognised!

My dear friends, although I am not at all satisfied with what some of you are going to embark on, I hope that your characters will prevail in the next half a decade. The values that attracted me to each of you during our school life... let them remain. I wish you all well, and no ill... I am proud of all of you... and I will see you again... someday, somehow, somewhere.

The song on this page is dedicated to all my friends (high school or JC) who are heading for uni, and to those who are already in university, take it as a belated dedication :P. It's not a new song, but I want it to hold true for us.

SMK Chung Hua Miri's Form 5A/2004 class monitor, signing off......

UK, HERE I COME!!!

2007-06-12T00:27:00.000-07:00

Wow, what a day it was for me... I received two letters in the mail today. To my surprise, one of them had the words "Urusan Seri Paduka Baginda" printed on, which is jargon for government-related business. I didn't expect it, since I knew that only the (irritating) Public Service Department of Malaysia would ever send me stuff with that heading. So I opened it to find the surprise of my life waiting inside.

I only remember saying, "Is this true? Really?" in Chinese before my mum snatched the letter away from me. True enough, the JPA had allowed me to undertake medical study in UK under partial sponsorship. Partial in that it would only be for Years 3, 4 and 5 of medicine (for those who don't already know, the most expensive years of med school), during which they would sponsor my fees and living allowance up to a maximum of RM 550 000. By this point, I had already more than figured out that the cost of UK medical education had just been slashed by more than half should I take this up.

I could hardly eat after that and immediately started calculating the remaining costs while referring to certain webpages. I estimated that, including inflation, I would still need roughly RM 300 000 to scrape through the first two years. Plus some more to cover what the RM 550K would not. I then spoke to my father on the phone. He was pleased with the news except that the bond was to remain at 10 years. I was tentative with regards to the finances that he would have to fork out, but he felt that it should be all right. Personally, I was quite content with the bond.

Now I have to take care of the relevant paperwork. I hope this all works out... I can hardly believe that this door would be opened for me, more so since I had practically lost hope. Could it be destiny? The wonder re-registered itself in me when I discovered that the other envelope contained... Nottingham's accommodation offer. What a coincidence.

Now everything seems to be in high gear. It's mid-June already. In September classes start in the UK. I can hardly believe it. To highlight its significance, I think I'll bold the entire post.

Updates...

2007-06-10T06:16:00.000-07:00

I've had a sickening past few days.... Literally. I've diagnosed myself down with flu, and it's still with me. Been trying to rest more and eat more fruits... but my temper is cut short because I have a mouth ulcer. The ulcer itself is nothing, but couple it with a set of irritating braces, and I feel trouble.

I've noticed that more people are visiting my blog too. I dunno whether that's good or bad, but I do realise that my topics of conversation are going to run thin cos people have seen my blog. Oh well, I'll just have to find something new to talk about... Hehe.....

In terms of uni applications, I only have one disappointing piece of news. Monash Uni Australia rejected me outright. That means I won't be joining Christina for sure. That leaves 6 more unis. I'm getting shivers... And if anyone is wondering what happened to Nottingham Malaysia... I opted to defer my offer to Sept 2008 :( No prizes for guessing that I do not want to spend my parents' money, even for a semester.

Free!

2007-06-07T17:44:00.000-07:00

Someone special told me.... The suffering is finally over. I beg to apologise. I felt that it was suffering, but so many people go through this kind of life with no other choice. Who am I to complain?

Strange how we feel that some things should never have happened, and others we wish could happen all over again so that we could relive the moments. Stranger still, the people we meet on every journey we make, making the experience memorable or better forgotten. The little details are no less real than the big picture, because they are part of it.

Work 3

2007-06-03T06:27:00.000-07:00

I'm practically dead.... No, I was until an hour ago after church. Standing for more than eight hours....... Whoo! I've never felt more footsore in my life. And since I'm on morning shift, I came out of the complex at 6 pm then got to church at 7.... and almost fell asleep during the prayers cos I closed my eyes. Oops....

My dad is Powerful.... Haha..... what makes me say that? Cos the staff realise his presence even before I do... and he's MY dad. When he arrives, they tell me that he's there, not I see for myself. I'm not kidding! Also, he can spot someone who is hiding from him in one glance across the level. Wow. The minute he showed up, everyone scrambled back to their duties.... HAHAHA!!! Except me... I don't need to scramble. I'm always working.... Seriously!

I've also made a few "friends" at work.... fellow promoters, one of whom knows Nai Hui from Marudi days. Also came across a very strange albeit nice character in Daniel, a young HR officer in the company. Referring to my first post on work, he was the one who interviewed me, who said hi and helped me out on my first day at work. Today I was sitting outside the staff entrance waiting for my dad to pick me up after work. I did see him come out and someone greet him but I thought he wouldn't bother with junior staff like me. So I bent my head to think about something, only to hear someone calling, "Jennifer Lee." Wait a second. No one calls me that. True enough. So we had a short friendly chat about my work until he noticed my dad's car (my back was to the road). To his credit, he is really one of the nicest people I have ever met, objectively speaking. The obvious link between my father and I aside. He's very refined, educated-looking and well-mannered for someone working in this company. More so than everyone else, including managers, except my dad. And me, of course. (lol)

And before someone suggests that I might be interested in him.... He has a girlfriend. Now that is one incredibly lucky girl. I didn't mention that he's also fairly good looking.

I'll post again soon.... Down to my last 3 days of work. Wish me luck.

EDITED: Daniel looks a little like Lam Fung, the Hong Kong actor who's acted in quite a few of the Cantonese serials on TV2/3, especially noticeable likeness when Lam acts as Ken, a doctor in "The Last Breakthrough/ Tian1 Ya2 Xia2 Yi1).

Work 2

2007-05-30T05:42:00.000-07:00

I'm tired... My legs are aching from standing. But I admit that I can derive satisfaction from my job, especially now that my executive says that I need not do the paperwork that is usually required from a promoter. I'm glad. Cos I prefer serving customers and helping them find what they want., as well as straightening and arranging the stock display in ways and styles that will attract the attention of customers. It's what I'm better at.

However, I still do not take kindly to some "perks" that come from being "anak bos" in the company. Just because I happen to be someone's daughter does not mean that I need not be briefed on my responsibilities, or that I need special "care and attention". I was walking by 2 other promoters when one of them said in my full hearing, "Itu anak dia." then started staring. That started my displeasure.

With regards to my previous post, I am blaming my so-called cousin... Actually, by genealogy and the Chinese habit of designating relatives, he has to call me aunt, because I am second cousin to his mother... Ugh.... I swear I will run a mile if he ever dares to even try it, in the company or otherwise. He is my superior at work, after all. I'm careful, though, since he does call my dad Great-Uncle. He has not addressed me even by name or otherwise so far; it's just look, acknowledge, and speak. I hope it stays that way.

And yes, I am irritated by him and his fellow executives. I know that they have been talking about me. I know they have told the staff of my parentage... because I have been talking to the other staff. And I know I caught their eye when I was heading for the staff entrance after lunch break today. First one, then the other turned around to look at me. My relative, who derives 12.5% of his blood from the same source as I draw 25% of my blood from. And his colleague, who looks dumb but is apparently supposed to be a fairly good worker. *grumble to self* - Hey, I'm just going back to work, like every good member of staff is supposed to, what are you looking at? -

I'm no stranger to people's glances and eyes, but this I find irritating. Is it just because I want to be treated equally? Or is it just that I want them to leave me alone, since I know that he (relative) has been paying me special attenion? The latter sounds more likely.

Work!

2007-05-26T05:56:00.000-07:00

It's off to work I go... Yeah, and of all things, a sportswear promoter. Let's just say that I applied for shop assistant at Boulevard Hypermarket and Departmental Store, which just happens to also be where my dad works. But my dad helped (or hindered) me by getting me the not-so-physical genre of work which is 2 floors away from the supermarket. Now, I'm in charge of the Revsports counter. The first afternoon of work today saw me folding clothes endlessly and darting here and there trying to find clothes' sizes to satisfy my customers.

Well, the job is going to last 2 weeks... the length of the Gawai celebrations in Sarawak, during which all the Ibans go and get drunk, which leaves the Chinese and the Malays to pick up on the work.... since there aren't many Indians here in Miri. The only thing I find a bit awkward, yet which I am sometimes thankful for is that some people are treating me with special respect and concern due to my father's status in the company, at least at the executive level anyway. Ironically, I work on the same level as a cousin... whom I never ever considered a cousin cos his age is probably around double mine. But I admit that he's been helpful. I was first to report to the company office this morning because he noticed me outside the staff entrance this morning and brought me in. And the executive who interviewed me for work yesterday actually said hi to me today and offered to help me check where I was assigned to and when I could start. The staff in charge of briefing the new temporary staff also addressed me by name... It makes me wonder how far my father's influence extends.

On a lighter note, Nottingham University's Malaysia campus gave me an unconditional offer for Pharmacy. I want to go, but I understand that it will cost a lot.... which is not promising on the parental side of matters, since there's no scholarship to get me through this. I already qualified for a 25% cut of tuition fees. Which still amounts to RM 25000 per annum. As I told someone online, I would rather receive news of whether I got accepted into medicine in Australia while sitting in Nottingham Uni, not while sitting at home.

My Teeth!

2007-05-15T18:11:00.000-07:00

I just got back from the dentist... Dr Aziz's clinic, for those from Miri. It's the second time this week I've been in the clinic. Anyway, the point is... I need braces! And today's visit was a preparation for it. I just lost two premolars, the fourth tooth from the centre on each side of my upper jaw. Yeah. And I couldn't talk properly now however much I wanted to, thanks to 2 gauze swabs currently residing the cavities where the teeth used to be.

So actually, now half my face is still numb from the injections. And considering each tooth received between 3 to 8 doses at different entry points, you can imagine... But thank God that the injections really drastically reduced the pain that I was supposed to suffer when she extracted the tooth. Only a bit of pain during injection and when the roots of the teeth are removed. But I could see that it needed quite some force to get the teeth out.... Haha. And... I asked to keep the teeth... Well, it was just because I felt it was a pity removing two permanent teeth.

Officially on Monday at 8 a.m., I will see Dr Aziz to fix on my braces. In case you haven't realised, the extracting of those two teeth mean pulling back my upper jaw. I'm not mentally prepared... But the earlier I do it, the better it is for me.

Resignation...

2007-05-03T04:00:00.000-07:00

I only wish it was a job resignation. No, it's the hopeless resignation that comes from, what else? Losing hope. From dead ends and lack of ideas.

I have officially resigned myself to the fact that I will not take up my University of Nottingham medicine place come September 2007. What I am gunning for now is a place in medicine for that ever-popular destination for SouthEast Asians, Australia. My chances aren't brilliant, but it's a second best that makes me both thankful and regretful all at once. Regretful for my A level results, and thankful that my scholarship has not been withdrawn... yet.

For now, I have decided to stop deliberating and finish up the personal statement for my Nottingham Malaysia Pharmacy application. If I get a place, I'll head to Semenyih in September while waiting for all other things to settle. If I end up not getting a place in Australia despite my extremely credible financial backing, I'll stay there till I get another place in Medicine in IMU or something.

I feel like that is the only thing to do given my predicament. I hope I'm making the right decision. After driving uphill today, I dunno if my thinking has gone downhill.

Music

2007-04-28T01:05:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across a song I really liked last night. Actually it was because I was on YouTube, revisiting an old TV series I liked, namely the X-files. One of the self-made music videos used this song as background and I fell in love with it instantly, regretting that I'd never heard it before this. This is the song, That's My Goal by Shayne Ward, which fits the romantic bits of X-files pretty well sometimes and is quite insightful too. I'm playing it on the blog now.

That's My Goal

You know where I come from
You know my story
You know why I'm standing here
Tonight

Please don't go
Don't be in a hurry
I'm here to make it clear
Make it right

Well I know I've acted foolish
But I promise you
No more
I've finally found that something
Worth reaching for

I'm not here to say I'm sorry
I'm not here to lie to you
I'm here to say I'm ready
That I've finally thought it through

I'm not here to let your love go
I'm not giving up
Oh no
I'm here to win your heart and soul
That's my goal

Please don't go
You know that I need you
I can't breathe without you
Live without you
Be without you

Well I know I've acted foolish
But I promise you
No more (no more)

I'm not here to say I'm sorry
I'm not here to lie to you
I'm here to say I'm ready
That I've finally thought it through

I'm not here to let your love go
I'm not giving up
Oh no
I'm here to win your heart and soul
That's my goal

Well I won't stop believing
That we will be leaving together
So when I say I love you
I'll mean it forever and ever
Ever and ever

I'm not here to say I'm sorry
I'm not here to say I'm sorry
I'm not here to lie to you
I'm here to say I'm ready
That I've finally thought it through(Oh I'm ready)

I'm not here to let your love go
I'm not giving up
Oh no
I'm here to win your heart and soul(That's why I'm here babe)
Yes I'm here to win your heart and soul
That's my goal
That's my goal

Mixed Feelings

2007-04-23T07:04:00.000-07:00

I realised that my emotional range is not perhaps what I wish it is. I see being emotional as being, at times, weak, yet I am emotional. Someone once described me as the sky. He said that like the sky which shows clearly what the weather is/will be like (most of the time), so do I. Apparently my face shows my emotion quite clearly. One good thing about this would be that I do not put on a mask just for the sake of hiding something.

I realise I can get extremely fearful about certain things which I will not name. I have felt the sense of impending doom many times before, when I feel that no one is near and that something I fear, sometimes seemingly inevitable, is approaching. This description is not enough to describe what I felt in those moments. I have also felt emotional pain that seems to pierce straight through the heart, such that it creates pain, real or semi-real, in the region of the heart. Then there are times when I get so nervous about certain things and I feel as though my entire self is pulsating according to my heartbeat, which in times of nervousness is understandably high. My tears fall quite easily too, especially the minute heart-wrenching issues are discussed. Some of my previous emotions and feelings I would not even dare describe.

One Down!

2007-04-19T17:50:00.000-07:00

Ah, how late I receive this information! NUS medicine is down! At least it leaves me with one less choice to worry about, optimistically speaking, or maybe it just isn't for me.

If only money was no object! If only... What's the point? I'm just going to sit tight and wait and see. If I run into the right person, who can help me with my situation, I shall be glad. But if a minister's letter of support doesn't help, what can?

Random pickings.

2007-04-19T01:47:00.000-07:00

I haven't had the mood to blog these past couple of weeks. Nothing's happening whatsoever. The only thing I do everyday is wait, to see if NUS honours me with an interview. And for those who have seen my MSN nick, you will know what I feel to some extent.

NUS is slow, slow and SLOW!!! Or does the lack of reply till now mean no reply forever?

A week of tension?

2007-04-04T03:24:00.000-07:00

From shock to tension, here i go. Most of you would know that I am requesting JPA to let me go to the UK on their sponsorship. Today I received 2 emails, the first of which was a subordinate of the person I emailed in Malay which informed me that my request could NOT be considered because they did not allow for change of country.

I was quite distressed, but just half an hour ago I checked my email again, This time there was another email from the Penolong Ketua Pengarah, which said "your request will not be considered as the cost of doing medicine in UK is much more expensive than australia". This immediately made my heartbeat double in speed. I can't say much more now, but I'll still try for at least a part of that money. It is worth all the trouble if I can just get an amount which is sufficient for Australia. The rest would be easier to handle.

Now the real battle begins....

I'm in shock!!!

2007-04-03T06:03:00.001-07:00

Gosh am I in shock! Today I was scheduled to have driving lesson at 2... When I called my instructor at 11, he told me that another student had caused an accident... so no lesson! Ok, that's not where the shock came from.... But the cause of the shock was the reason i was calling him. I wanted to skip the lesson so that I could visit a uni roadshow which happened to be in Miri today.

I heard that this university college called UCSI, which is in KL, had a medicine course... so i thought I'd hazard an application along with the likes of IMU. I wasn't expecting much, just wanted to hear what they had to say and what was this new institution like. So off I went, to Imperial Hotel (for those who know Miri, Imperial Suites, until my dad's big boss took it over along with the mall) at 2. I brought along my certificates and IC and stuff.

So when I got there, no one really paid attention to me for a while. So I sat down and SMS-ed for a while. Then one of the education agents/reps came up and ask me what course i was interested in. Obviously I said medicine. So they told me, you can immediately fill up the application form and once you've paid the registration fee, you can be interviewed immediately. I was like, HUH?!? I was in T-shirt and jeans... no way suitable attire for an interview for Medicine.

She passed me an application form and I sat down at a table to fill it up... soon there were 3 guys at the table too. I knew one was a rep but didn't recognise the other two. They talked about golf, of all things. So I finished filling in the particulars and when I looked up, the rep guy immediately held out his hand for the form and the other two, who happened to be on either side of that guy, immediately started scrutinising my form and certificates. I got quite freaked out. And at that point I hadn't even worked out what I discovered 1 hour later...

So I went in for the general campus talk and sat through a biotech and food science talk after it. Then a guy beckoned me to exit the function room, which I did, upon which he told me, you can have the interview now. At first I thought he was going to interview me, but he just led me to one of the small meeting rooms and told me to wait.

In a minute, a guy walked in, who, horror of horrors was one of the two golf-discussing guys a the table earlier. Worse still, this man had been sitting next to me earlier and I hadn't really paid attention to him. All I knew was that his spoken English was excellent and I recall that I thought he was Chinese. At that point I suddenly recalled something which had been uttered by the guy who took my form. He had said that the dean of the medical school was here (in chinese, btw). So in my blurness, i had taken the words "here" to mean on the premises rather than next to me. So you can imagine my shock... which evolved into "Oh great. I ignored this guy earlier."

So we talked, one-on-one. I have gone through only 2 serious interviews before this... namely JPA and Nottingham. This one was different from both. It was really quite an open discussion. First up was a strange question. "You look like a serious person. Are you?" My first reaction was, "I think I am." Stupid answer... but I had not yet recovered from the shock. He continued from there. " You think? Or you are?" I was knocked back to reality, and admitted, "I am."Only then did he take a seat.

Next came a ritual question, after the preliminaries of "This is just a discussion..." and "Relax, it's not an exam." The question was "What do you think is the job of a doctor?" (all conversation not verbatim) I answered this in two parts. First i touched on the basic medical care and support... and he said I'd only got 30% and let me continue. Next I touched on public health and research. He upgraded me to 60%. Then I thought for a while, and honestly answered him that it was all that crossed my mind at the moment. He accepted that, and proceeded to talk. From what he said, I inferred that what my answer lacked was that a doctor was part of a team. At this point, I was scolding myself inwardly, because this was similar to what I had been through in the Nottingham interview.

He then proceeded to some brief details on CCAs. I briefly outlined my few menial posts in SPM days as well as JC. Then I proceeded to tell him that I played some badminton recreationally. For some reason, I mentioned that this was "not documented". My interviewer then picked up on this comment. He stated that he too was not interested in CCA-related certificates when he interviewed and asked me to guess why. As if to further prove that I was not mentally stable at the time, I made a poor attempt at humour, suggesting that it must be tiring to see similar certificates over and over again. He smiled, said no and asked me to try again. This time I was serious, and I talked about how some people would have motives for joining activities, namely for the "nama" i.e. the certificate. He seemed satisfied with my answer.

We also talked about the realities of a career in medicine... the long hours, the need to be widely read, to understand human behaviour etc. He even pointedly told me that my seriousness, mentioned earlier on, had to change. I nodded, albeit a little regretfully. Then we touched on how doctors went into private practice just for money... or in other words, the easy way to an easy life... less night calls and shifts and the like. To this, I commented that the hectic schedule which was normally despised did enable doctors to gain exposure to various patients and cases, and so it was not a loss. The interviewer suddenly seemed extremely pleased with this statement and for the first time, I thought I did something right.

The man also asked where else I was applying to, so I stated in order: Nottingham, NUS, IMU and UCSI... which were indeed my most serious applications to date, except for UCSI which, I admitted to him, I had only very recently found out about. Then he asked me what would influence my choice if all were to make me offers. So I talked about the repute of the institutions as well as the issue of finance. He continued by asking if finances were not a problem and IMU as well as UCSI both made me offers, which would I accept? I stopped to think a moment, trying to fathom what this was trying to get at, before answering frankly that my priority would be given to IMU. Upon being asked to explain, I mentioned that IMU had a longer history than UCSI, which, as I told him, I took into account in my consideration. He considered this answer before asking me if I had caught a report of what a minister had implied regarding 2 private medical colleges 2 months ago. Since I now subsist on Chinese newspapers, which i dislike, I told him no. He proceeded to tell me about how these two colleges had been snubbed by a minister/govt official for not meeting quality standards.

I cannot remember how we got to the topic of who he was... But i remember that he asked me, "Do you know what I was before this?" I apologised and said no. Then came the really shaking revelation, He was Professor Dato' Dr. Mohd. Roslani bin Abdul Majid, founding dean of the medical school in Universiti Sains Malaysia, ex-advisor of IMU, ex-UKM faculty member and a pioneer of Problem-Based Learning for medicine in Malaysia. I was so utterly shocked that I lost most of my nerve. Thankfully the interview was nearing its end.

Dato' Dr. Roslani then asked me, " Would you like to know whether you got the place?" And as I thought that they followed the standard procedure of considering other applicants first before sending out a mass of offers, I answered with a question as to whether it would be fair to the other applicants. He then explained that they were a private institution and that he did not issue offers that way. Then he told me point-blank, "I'm going to say yes to your application." And because earlier when I said that I did not know who he was, he had commented jokingly that I was going to fail the interview, I had not known what to think. So when he told me that I had got it, I honestly and gratefully thanked him. To me, having been able to make an impression on him was already an achievement and a great learning experience. I then shook his hand and left, still in a slight daze, after a few words with one of the education reps regarding arrrangements for the offer.

Random writings...

2007-03-28T06:25:00.000-07:00

I am nervous... About a number of things, truth be told. First, I only just realised that I have only one more year in which I can call myself a teenager. Of course, part of the reason I realised this so late is my present lethargic lifestyle which does not occupy significant amounts of my mental faculties. But it's like, wow, I've actually been alive that long... And this then leads on to a looking-back over the previous years, and to a resigned verdict that the next few years had better be better than the previous few.

Second, I am searching for alternative ways to conjure up RM 800K without resorting to robbery. I think many people would already have an idea of what I plan to do with this exorbitant sum, just that there's only one problem: I don't have that much money. Apparently if it weren't for Margaret Thatcher, I might be worrying about a far smaller sum. Oh well...

Third, which I've actually mentioned earlier, is my lethargic lifestyle. To be sure, I did get an adrenaline rush yesterday, at my first practical driving lesson. He made me drive 3 minutes after I arrived. And be warned, my coordination and driving skills ain't the best. Not to mention that my parents drive autos. And I was driving a manual car! Ok, I'm sure all my friends from Malaysia will be laughing. But this certainly isn't my forte. I was quaking after 45 minutes in the car and two "engine deaths". And it didn't help that I wasn't the one who chose my instructor. As if that wasn't bad enough, I have another lesson... TOMORROW! YIKES!!! Just thinking about it stimulates my sympathetic nervous system and raises my heart rate... My only consolation is that I'm not in KL.

SPM results

2007-03-16T22:48:00.000-07:00

http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2007/3/15/focus/17143795&sec=focus

It has been encouraging to find out that two Chinese students, one from Bukit Mertajam and one from Sabah(can't remember which school/town), have obtained 16A1s in SPM. Notably, each of the two girls has at least one parent who is a medical practitioner. And yet, no top scorer has been declared this year. I am bitterly reminded of my own year, in which much hype was raised over a 17A1 achievement that caused me to pack my bag abruptly one day in my JC1 year and rush to KL.

I read in The Star that certain prominent people are now claiming that the number of subjects taken by an SPM student do not matter and that it is pointless to declare a top student because each student has his or her own strengths and weaknesses. I agree on both counts, but why has this view not been consistent over the past years, but instead only surfaced this time? Personally, I am of no doubt that the number of subjects taken is still just a number. However, this number seems to have been taken very seriously with certain groups of people, yet apparently ignored for other groups.

*is asked whether interested in eating, then, suddenly and without negotiation, is relegated to watching the luggage while the adults go and eat*

*internal complaint*"Hey!?! What's the big idea leaving me to guard the luggage while you go and eat??? Well, at least it gives me time to continue this... But train of thought has been interrupted... Oh by the way, I'm in KL sitting in the lobby of Cititel Hotel in MidValley and I'm heading back home tonight after 3 weeks of KL and Singapore alternating.

Ah yes. Anyway, this lack of consistency is annoyingly obvious. And something tells me that if it were not for the need for certain financial aid, some people would be complaining about this. As it is, only one brave soul has dared to do so in an opinion to The Star.

Just thinking about it frustrates me... Gah!

Post-Results #2

2007-03-14T00:15:00.000-07:00

A lot, and I mean a lot, of people have been asking me recently about where I will be going next. Overseas? Singapore? I honestly say as of now, I have no idea. Really! Although I daresay I have instilled some interest towards studying in Singapore in quite a few people. Can't be helped, as security is higher in Singapore than in Malaysia and, admittedly, girls can get a little concerned. Also, as I told some people, I concede that Singapore is probably the best at blending excellence and affordability.

However, I am currently pulling some strings which I very much hope will yield some results. Gosh, I never thought I had to resort to it. However, the applications to NUS and IMU will still continue until I hear more on that side of matters. My most grateful thanks to my efficient and helpful tutors for completing my reference letters: Mr Lee, Ms Tan and Mdm Chen. That said, I have yet to pick up the letters.... *snort of amusement*... See you tomorrow!

I am sick of taking the KL-JB and vice versa bus. Tomorrow will be my 4th trip on one of those buses in 2 weeks... which is a lot, considering that I only went home 1.5 times per year(ie 3 plane trips p.a.) on average during my ASEAN years in Singapore. And I think I may be able to walk the ground floor of Mid Valley with my eyes closed... Ok, that was random.

Someone put this at the end of their MSN nick: Hope for the best, but expect the worst. Hey, even by my pessimistic standards, that is morbid. In terms of my uni applications and etc, I am hoping for the best, but certainly not expecting the worst. No Way. Period.

Post-Results...

2007-03-03T00:14:00.000-08:00

Sigh... the D-day came.... and went. It was not too good a day for me. However, I didn''t feel too sad... at least not until something happened. That incident made me feel so crushed inside... I felt so worthless and ashamed of myself, thanks to that occurrence. And yet, some of the feelings i felt throughout yesterday were indescribable. Prior to that, I felt ok. Now... I don't know what to think. I barely made the cut for Nottingham... which is what i want, but I know if it was by my own means, i would never be able to afford it. I just hope that JPA will have pity on me...

On a high... Followed by a low...

2007-02-01T18:04:00.000-08:00

No, no... it isn't drugs. Not me. Just that I'm getting a real kick (and a real pain) out of university applications. I have to admit, in this area, I really made a huge mess. Let's make a list(medicine only unless otherwise stated):

UCAS:

University of Liverpool(REJECT)
University of Manchester(Med+Pharm)(Conditional for Pharm)
University of Nottingham(Med+Pharm)(Conditional for BOTH!)
University of Sheffield(REJECT)

AUSTRALIA:

University of Melbourne (2008 intake cos I couldn't make 2007, gah!)

IRELAND:

Trinity College Dublin

MALAYSIA(in the pipeline):

International Medical University(Aug intake, twinning)
University Of Nottingham Malaysia Campus(Pharmacy, twinning)

SINGAPORE: (in the pipeline too, duh!):

NUS - YLLSoM

What the...? In total number of applications there are 11! Number of institutions: 9! (Nottingham Malaysia and UK count as 2) And don't ask how much I spend on application fees. Suffice to say that by the time I'm done with this, my Malaysian bank account will be rather ashamed of itself.

Naive....

2007-01-30T05:57:00.000-08:00

Now that's a very good word to describe me... Something that I never really grew out of.

But that's as far as the word will go in this post. So much for a title...

The name of this blog is One Way... from the Christian song. And yet... while I am on the one way in my life, I keep looking left and right, stopping on the path to laze around, observing people pass by... Not realising that they have overtaken me, yet still pretending to be tired just so that I can stop and "smell the flowers", forgetting the many goals that lie at different stretches of the road. This is one of my biggest mistakes, illustrated in the physical by the annoying inability to do anything that I experience while all my peers head off to uni. I made my choice and I stand by it, but I find it very hard to stop myself regretting... a decision made 2 years ago and another 1.5 years ago, both of which changed my life... possibly for ever.

Even my parents are berating me for making the decisions I made. I do not blame them, although I wish they could be more understanding. I know my life has been changed. And perhaps I even challenged God in the process. Did I tread on "the road not taken"? It did make a lot of, if not all the difference, albeit only over 2 years. Hmm... misguided instinct? Or simply being too naive to know the difference? So much for a title, eh?

Post?

2007-01-30T05:39:00.000-08:00

I am an expert...... at wasting my time and other people's time, my money and other people's money; I am brilliant...... at overestimating myself and situations, resulting in disappointment and regret; at pretending to see the big picture but in reality not noticing the obvious passing me by; at pretending that I made the right decision but actually not believing in it myself; at judging others when I refuse to see my own flaws.

Guilty on so many counts..... and yet this isn't all of it.

The past 2 months have been a period of lethargy and self-indulgence, and yet, surprisingly, self-reflection. I think God has finally hit home in me... finally. I have not learned my lessons well over the past 18 years, and am still not learning well. I see and I understand, and yet I do not learn. My skull must be a whole lot thicker and denser than I thought.

Will I learn? Maybe during university? I made too many blunders already... for which I am taking some semblance of responsibility yet blaming others for decisions that I made. I did reap what I sowed... abundantly. And yet I regret. I claim that I stand by my principles... But are they too rigid, and am I too stubborn? I know that there are too many things that I do not know. God knows that over the past 2 years I have learned more than the preceding 16 years. Yet my emotions are still weak and at times beyond my control. My emotions still tend rule my head.

I admit I am weak... I have fallen away from God too many times... not to the extent of denouncing religion, but in small ways, sinning, disobeying... repeatedly. I rest my case...... against myself.

Personal Post #1

2006-10-21T00:14:00.000-07:00

I've decided finally to start posting my own personal thoughts on this blog after abandoning my friendster blog for the longest time. Maybe this is because it's the time of year where I start thinking back over the past year, now that it's only 12 days to the first A-level paper.

How hectic my life has been... Ok, it's just in some ways. After my last paper in SPM, I had to rush straight off to the ASEAN scholarship selection test, which landed me here. 5 days after my last A-level paper, my family is coming and I will, of course, keep them company. The day after they leave will then be the start of the JPA Kem Birotatanegara. I will have to pack and evacuate all my stuff from the boarding school within the space of about 3 days and then I will vanish from the boarding school, probably for good.

Overall, this year has been a good year. I've become a bit more mature, experienced more emotions, made some new friends, learned many lessons. But the one thing that angers me now about myself is my own reluctance to study really hard... I know it's the last lap, I know it's the crucial period, but why can't I get myself to focus?

I'll Go Through The Fire For You

2006-09-16T21:57:00.000-07:00

And Lord I give my life
As an offering to You
To be purified as gold
According to Your will
O Lord
Make my life count for You
I'll go through the fire for you

You're All I Want

2006-09-16T21:49:00.000-07:00

Draw me close to you
Never let me go
I lay it all down again
To hear you say that I'm your friend

You are my desire
No one else will do
No one else can take your place
To feel the warmth of your embrace

Help me find the way
To bring me back to you

Chorus:
You're all I want
You're all I ever needed
You're all I want
Help me know you are near

How could I live without You

2006-09-02T21:38:00.000-07:00

How could I live without you
How could I survive
Without your love
Without your touch
You're the one who heals me
Cleanses my heart
And sets me free

Now I come right before you
With my hands lifted up
And my heart humbly bowed
At your work on the cross
As you hung there and died
You were paying the price
For my life
For my life

For Your love is higher than the heavens
Deeper than the sea
And all I want is You in my life
No one else can satisfy my soul
Make me feel this way
Only You Lord
Only You

You have been good

2006-07-09T19:43:00.000-07:00

If I never get to see another rainbow
Or share another laugh with a friend
If I never stand barefoot by the ocean
Or get to kiss my child good night again

If I never have another prayer that’s answered
Or have another blessing come my way
If this is all I know of heaven's kindness
Father, I would still have to say

Chorus:
You have been good
You have been good
I am in wonder how it could be
You have been good
You've been so good
In so many ways
You've been good to me

You have shown me mercy upon mercy
Grace upon grace, time after time
And I know all too well what I'm deserving
Yet You are still so patient and kind

Bridge:
If suddenly it all were ended
And Your blessings disappeared
Looking back over a lifetime
The evidence is clear

Won't You Lord

2006-07-09T19:41:00.000-07:00

Won't you Lord
Take a look at our hands?
Everything we have
Use it for your plan

Won't you Lord
Take a look at our heart?
Mould it refine it
As you set us apart

We want to run to the altar
And catch the fire
To stand in the gap
Between the living and the dead

Give us a heart of compassion
For a world without vision
We will make a difference
Bringing hope to our land

Come Holy Spirit 2

2006-07-09T19:34:00.000-07:00

Come Holy Spirit
Fall afresh on me
Fill me with your power
Satisfy my needs

Only you can make me whole
Give me strength and make me grow
Come Holy Spirit
Fall afresh on me

Come Holy Spirit

2006-07-09T19:28:00.000-07:00

Come Holy Spirit, fall on me now
I need Your anointing, come in Your power
I love you Holy Spirit,
You're captivating my soul,
And every day, I grow to love you more...

I'm reaching for your heart
You hold my life in your hands
Drawing me closer to you
I feel your power renew

Nothing compares to this place
Where I can see you face to face
I worship you in spirit and in truth